Relearning Life 

It is not easy,

Relearning 

How to live

Your life

Rewire the soul,

And

Rebuild the

Walls you let fall,

Rewind and unwind

Memories of happy days,

Unique and amazing,

Some extraordinary ways

To carry the world on your 

Shoulders again,

And calm the seas

In your eyes,

To see clearly of all you left behind,

With guilt weighing you down,

It’s not easy 

To remember how strong

You were all along,

Once you been broken down,

And can’t be put together,

To remind every broken piece

of the cosmic reality,

Of the constellations that make up 

The galaxy of your soul. 

It’s not easy 

To unlearn giving up

And be your person,

Kind and beautiful 

And accept yourself

For the person you have become,

Strange, wild and beautiful,

Just missing a little fairy dust,

And to build your own path again,

For once you were,

Someone who would love,

And not run from life 

As it’s not easy 

Once you stop living 

To Relearn to sober up. 
Now on insta- @lantern21ak

To the Infinite

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Lonely silhouette of your being,
The pixallated view of your most cherished dreams,
Caged walls of your beating heart,
The broken promises of a beautiful start,
Void in your gray soul,
The regret for not making that last call,
Finding your way in a labyrinth,
The warmth of the fire you hold within,
Those darkest secrets you hide behind those eyes,
The rules your existence defies,
Numbness pressed in your bones,
The soul deep fears of different colors and tones,
Tears that taste like feelings and little salt,
The humid summer night’s fault,
Unhinged recklessness from the fabric of your being,
The dust you are of everything selfish and mean,
Smiles and laugh are temporary delusions,
Reality is what kills you, while you survive illusion,
You’ll become one of those,
Those who live with daggers hanging on their heads,
Whose forte are dark room and cold beds,
You’ll always be out of place no matter the site
Because love, you belong to the infinite.

Gone before you came

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Don’t love me,
I am not here to stay,
One day I’ll disappear,
Like that sunset’s last ray.

My wings have tasted freedom,
I only know how to fly,
Touching the stars,
Breathing in the midnight sky.

I am the bird returning home,
Forgotten to walk,
Broken wings,
Too tired to fly,
So here on the ground I lie.

Let me be on my own,
Don’t try to heal me with the galaxies in your eyes,
I might pay you back with coins of stories,
Of fireflies and wasps,
Dolphins and sharks,
And how light consumes the dark.

I’ll let u have a peek into my little adventures.
But that’s all you’ll ever have of me,
Just a glimpse,
In return for a bucket load of stars from dust of your being.

I’ll listen to your dreams,
And make them mine.
But I’ll live them in my own time.
And not with you,

While you’ll sit on that table,
Dinner for two,
I’ll pack my heart and leave you behind.

You’ll wait as it’ll seem too unjustified,
But I don’t care love,
For I might be the love of your life,
You will never be mine.

My heart goes places,
You will never like,
So stitch up your broken pieces,
As soon as you realize,
I was gone,
The day I came,
I was like that stupid rain.

Nostalgia

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As I walk down these streets,
I feel these withered walls against my fingers,
Nothing has changed except my fingers, they are a little bigger now,
Or the bricks a little smaller.
I stand on the roof of the house,
Taking in the air of my hometown.
People still live in that next house,
Except the girl I played with is no longer here,
His brother too lives in another city now.
Only people left are the ones who are too old to settle themselves in a new place,
Reminiscing their last days here- familiarity their only salvation.
As I unlock the door to my parent’s room,
I remember how those doors were never locked,
Not until my mother passed away last summer.
The bed inside is still the same,
I didn’t let anyone touch it as it was the place i spent my nights in,
Listening to stories I still remember by heart.
The linen although a bit dusty still smells like mother.
As I walk down the stairs, I see my daughter holding her grandfather’s hand,
Complaining about how I scolded her last night.
She grew up too fast for me to really notice,
But I am glad I never missed out on her childhood.
My father’s room down the stairs is empty now.
My mother asked me to clean his things when he passed,
They made her miss him more.
She must have felt lonely in this house.
I excuse myself for washroom before heading out,
To stand in front of its gate and complain to mom about how difficult things have become and how I don’t want to grow up- ever,
It was a habit i took up as a kid,
Not wanting my mother to see my cry I used to stand there while she bathed,
And complain about everything that was wrong.
I turn back to leave again,
Lock every door to every corner of this house,
There are too many memories here.
I am going for now, until I am ready to come back again and live it all.
If not in time, but in my heart.
I miss my Home.

Numb

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I feel nothing,
No sadness,
No joy,
I am numb,
astray,
Losing more of myself  everyday,
Too weak,
Thinking about dying,
Leaving everyone else behind,
Destroying,
Stealing their peace of mind!
And still,
I am afraid,
Of what others might think of me,
When I am gone,
Shredded,
Soul long lost.
I am a coward,
Or just a child,
Made to grow up,
As numbers are right.
Don’t know how long,
I’ll survive,
But I’ll wait and see,
If it’s really worth my while.

Drowning

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I am not scared that I am not myself,
I am scared that I am,
a little too much,
My thoughts are now
Rusty frames of memories,
And worthless pieces of puzzle,
Lying scattered,
Unarranged, unwanted, unwilling,
Too dark for any amount of white,
To turn them into grey.
I know of my demons,
A little too well.
They are
Too powerful a dancer,
Running all around in my mind,
Giving a performance of a lifetime.
Thoughts too unreasonable to say out loud,
Thank god i am too good at lying,
If only they could find,
What parts of me are real and true,
and what are more refined but a lie.
A warrior i am,
Of darkness and all that is wrong with this world,
From insecurities to lies,
And world of cries,
Come watch me drown,
Every inch of my skin is deep in sorrow,
And remorse,
I am grieving for who i was yesterday,
I don’t have the energy to bear it anymore,
But i will.
That’s how i survive,
If only i could live a little while.
And not just exist.
I hate myself too much to stay alive,
But i love myself enough to not end it yet.
This is when i tell myself i can handle this,
I am strong.
And that’s how it all turns out right,
When i don’t even know what tomorrow might be like,
But then who does?

So Different in My Head

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Yesterday you asked me how i was?
Like i could be any better than the day before or the day when you decided to move on,
You left, enslaving my soul,
I told you i don’t want love,
Yet you gave it,
Gave it every time,
Until i finally fell,
Fell in that hole you been digging all this while.
You buried my heart in that pit of pain,
Chocking me with your words,
And then as you realized i will be gone forever,
You came back!
You came back to ask me how am i doing?
No you actually wanted to know if it is the time to finally put that stone on my grave where you can put all the good things i was not,
Or may be that was exactly who i was,
But you ruined me,
You ruined me and trapped me into these walls.
Now here i am sitting,
Still thinking of every possibility of how it could have worked,
How it might have been the best thing that happened to me,
But these thoughts infuriates me even more,
I hate myself for still seeking refuge in those arms who enslaved my spirit.
But then again i still don’t hate you!
Coz i love you, I have always loved you.
And may be I won’t ever be able to change this.
I still sit here looking at all those stars in the sky trying to win me over,
But I still adore the moon and I can’t help it.
We all have our secrets and i am still glad mine is you!
I hope one day i can meet you again and genuinely smile and wish u a bright future without wanting to be a part of it.