Maybe

May be you are my heaven,

But what if i am your hell?

Maybe change comes with pain,

But what if i am too weak? 

Maybe I don’t deserve my name in ur diary,

But what if I am still thankful for it?

Maybe I have this smile so beautiful,

But what if It’s just a mask for a sad soul?

Maybe I lied and hurt you,

But what if I only wanted you to see through it and not believe it?

Maybe I say I don’t believe in love,

But what if that’s all i need right now? 

Maybe I wrote your name in pencil,

But what if I never plan on erasing you in the first place?

Maybe my thoughts were like gray mist,

But what if I have found clear skies now?

Maybe my heart is sheilded too strongly,

But what if its just too fragile? 

Maybe I broke you,

But what if it was me who was broken already? 

Maybe I really needed you, 

But what if I felt embarrassed for asking so much? 

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this,

But what if I hope you could read this? 

Maybe its too late,

But I can only try to get this out n put it in the universe. 

Relearning Life 

It is not easy,

Relearning 

How to live

Your life

Rewire the soul,

And

Rebuild the

Walls you let fall,

Rewind and unwind

Memories of happy days,

Unique and amazing,

Some extraordinary ways

To carry the world on your 

Shoulders again,

And calm the seas

In your eyes,

To see clearly of all you left behind,

With guilt weighing you down,

It’s not easy 

To remember how strong

You were all along,

Once you been broken down,

And can’t be put together,

To remind every broken piece

of the cosmic reality,

Of the constellations that make up 

The galaxy of your soul. 

It’s not easy 

To unlearn giving up

And be your person,

Kind and beautiful 

And accept yourself

For the person you have become,

Strange, wild and beautiful,

Just missing a little fairy dust,

And to build your own path again,

For once you were,

Someone who would love,

And not run from life 

As it’s not easy 

Once you stop living 

To Relearn to sober up. 
Now on insta- @lantern21ak

Blurry Lines

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Its just blurry lines
No sense of wrong and right
Everything is a pretense
Just enraged voices in my head,
Remnants of a distant past.
Silenced with lies.

Galaxies are made up truths
A definition of infinite,
Infiltrated with the shadows of life.
Or just another word for the light that flickr,
As your soul burns with limitless effort.

When u don’t have best of life
All u wanna do is hide n die.
Every desire turned to dust
Waiting for time to run its course.
There is nothing more poisonous than remorse.

Damaged by demons we can’t escape
Irreparable wounds rooted in veins.
Random fragments of memories laced with regrets,
Scattered in bloodstream hard to accept. 

The ink splatters in yellow space.
Also trying to find their place.
The greatest beauty wrapped in grey,
Disguised in something unwanted.

Questioning one’s existence,
Faithless in this stride
Choking on your dreams,
Wicked in everyone’s eyes.

But darling wherever you go,
It’ll take a lot of love to hate this life.

Gone before you came

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Don’t love me,
I am not here to stay,
One day I’ll disappear,
Like that sunset’s last ray.

My wings have tasted freedom,
I only know how to fly,
Touching the stars,
Breathing in the midnight sky.

I am the bird returning home,
Forgotten to walk,
Broken wings,
Too tired to fly,
So here on the ground I lie.

Let me be on my own,
Don’t try to heal me with the galaxies in your eyes,
I might pay you back with coins of stories,
Of fireflies and wasps,
Dolphins and sharks,
And how light consumes the dark.

I’ll let u have a peek into my little adventures.
But that’s all you’ll ever have of me,
Just a glimpse,
In return for a bucket load of stars from dust of your being.

I’ll listen to your dreams,
And make them mine.
But I’ll live them in my own time.
And not with you,

While you’ll sit on that table,
Dinner for two,
I’ll pack my heart and leave you behind.

You’ll wait as it’ll seem too unjustified,
But I don’t care love,
For I might be the love of your life,
You will never be mine.

My heart goes places,
You will never like,
So stitch up your broken pieces,
As soon as you realize,
I was gone,
The day I came,
I was like that stupid rain.

Nostalgia

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As I walk down these streets,
I feel these withered walls against my fingers,
Nothing has changed except my fingers, they are a little bigger now,
Or the bricks a little smaller.
I stand on the roof of the house,
Taking in the air of my hometown.
People still live in that next house,
Except the girl I played with is no longer here,
His brother too lives in another city now.
Only people left are the ones who are too old to settle themselves in a new place,
Reminiscing their last days here- familiarity their only salvation.
As I unlock the door to my parent’s room,
I remember how those doors were never locked,
Not until my mother passed away last summer.
The bed inside is still the same,
I didn’t let anyone touch it as it was the place i spent my nights in,
Listening to stories I still remember by heart.
The linen although a bit dusty still smells like mother.
As I walk down the stairs, I see my daughter holding her grandfather’s hand,
Complaining about how I scolded her last night.
She grew up too fast for me to really notice,
But I am glad I never missed out on her childhood.
My father’s room down the stairs is empty now.
My mother asked me to clean his things when he passed,
They made her miss him more.
She must have felt lonely in this house.
I excuse myself for washroom before heading out,
To stand in front of its gate and complain to mom about how difficult things have become and how I don’t want to grow up- ever,
It was a habit i took up as a kid,
Not wanting my mother to see my cry I used to stand there while she bathed,
And complain about everything that was wrong.
I turn back to leave again,
Lock every door to every corner of this house,
There are too many memories here.
I am going for now, until I am ready to come back again and live it all.
If not in time, but in my heart.
I miss my Home.

Pain

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What is pain?
Does it look like your worst nightmare,
Or does it have a face full of scars?
Each scar a sign of new heartache.

How does it smell like?
Does it even have an odor?
A scent that always give it away?
To its ghosts of past,
And if it has one,
Does it smell sweet?
One that help one troubled soul locate the other,
Or does it smell really awful?
One that ensures no happy soul ever associate with its host?

Does it have a home?
A place it always return to when no place seems right?
And if it does have one,
Is it welcomed back in that place?
Are there any arms waiting for its return?

Also,
Does it have a work place?
Where it follows the night shifts?
When no one is around,
And one is left alone with their haunting thoughts?

Does it even like its work?
Or does it also despise its boss?
The guilt and sin,
Flowing like poison in one’s veins,
Every shade of black pumped into one simple shade of red.

Does it even know its importance?
Flowing straight from heart,
Through ink to the pen’s tip,
And staining papers with its sins.
Leaving bare one’s darkest secrets for the world to read,
To sympathize,
Associate and feel as humanly as possible,
Bringing together all kindered souls.

Or is it as oblivious as every being on earth?
Comparing the beauty of spring of happiness,
To its dry winter like nature,
Or standing on the weighing machine,
Hoping to be more and more weightless,
Taking less space in body and flesh.

Does it love someone?
The one it will even die for?
Is it possessive?
Not wanting to leave,
Finding new excuses to stay everytime its time to go?

Does it have a language?
Or it believes in no dialogue policy
Always focusing on action,
Oozing out of every cut,
Letting those wounds speak louder than any words.

But whatever it is,
I believe pain is as much in pain,
Wanting to escape its own nature,
And when it does find a way out,
It will run places and explore hearts,
But won’t stay longer in one place to make a person completely fall apart.

P.S.- I am currently not able to come up with anything new. Writer’s block i guess! This piece i wrote long back but been lying in my drafts. I didn’t edit it but I felt I need to post something to feel a little motivated to write more! By the way those who wished me good luck for exams thankyou they went well! Fingers crossed for results!! 😀

Mother

She thought she will hate the rain forever for it took away the first love of her life, little did she know this rain will be the reason she could be the first love of those tiny feet and little hands she now call her life.

Something for mother’s day. A mother’s love is the purest form of love and when it forgets all prejudices and overlooks the fact if the child is blood related, it becomes something sacred and heavenly. 🙂

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A drawing I made almost 5 years back. 🙂

Safe Haven

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Today I am heading back to that place. The place I hate so much. Home is the place where i want to be. Because it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel  wanted. Its comfortable and predictable. But shouldn’t these be the reasons to not stay at home?
To experience the challenge and to live the unexpected. Change is inevitable. No change is bad, its either predictable or not predictable. At the end of day its our own decision to go with the flow or to challenge the inevitable. What’s even more important is to not to be afraid. To stand strong and face whatever life throws our way. Every time i go someplace new i begin hating it. Maybe because i leave a piece of my soul behind. It takes time to finally accept that empty space, a piece missing from a beautiful puzzle. But With time i realize that its not the center piece and i can still make out the picture, though it is never perfect. But why really aim for perfection. Isn’t this imperfection a sign of having survived the change. Home is not a place but a feeling. And until one knows there are people he/she can be themselves with they can be at home. A 2 minute call in a day is enough to know someone out there is waiting for me to return home. And the best part is to know, I am their home and still they are patient, they are patient for me. Although they miss me, they aren’t selfish or greedy. They are ready to wait. For me. And i know everytime i return its always the same. The feeling of belongingness will never go away. And it is this security that helped me to get over the hate. I have to go. Do something with my life. I must take chances and accept challenges. And although i thought things will never go back the way they were, I know gradually i will learn to accept that the walls of the building might wither, the people might age, the habits might change, but one thing that won’t change is this feeling and belief that even if i am lost love will always guide me home.

So Different in My Head

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Yesterday you asked me how i was?
Like i could be any better than the day before or the day when you decided to move on,
You left, enslaving my soul,
I told you i don’t want love,
Yet you gave it,
Gave it every time,
Until i finally fell,
Fell in that hole you been digging all this while.
You buried my heart in that pit of pain,
Chocking me with your words,
And then as you realized i will be gone forever,
You came back!
You came back to ask me how am i doing?
No you actually wanted to know if it is the time to finally put that stone on my grave where you can put all the good things i was not,
Or may be that was exactly who i was,
But you ruined me,
You ruined me and trapped me into these walls.
Now here i am sitting,
Still thinking of every possibility of how it could have worked,
How it might have been the best thing that happened to me,
But these thoughts infuriates me even more,
I hate myself for still seeking refuge in those arms who enslaved my spirit.
But then again i still don’t hate you!
Coz i love you, I have always loved you.
And may be I won’t ever be able to change this.
I still sit here looking at all those stars in the sky trying to win me over,
But I still adore the moon and I can’t help it.
We all have our secrets and i am still glad mine is you!
I hope one day i can meet you again and genuinely smile and wish u a bright future without wanting to be a part of it.