Don’t love me,
I am not here to stay,
One day I’ll disappear,
Like that sunset’s last ray.
My wings have tasted freedom,
I only know how to fly,
Touching the stars,
Breathing in the midnight sky.
I am the bird returning home,
Forgotten to walk,
Too tired to fly,
So here on the ground I lie.
Let me be on my own,
Don’t try to heal me with the galaxies in your eyes,
I might pay you back with coins of stories,
Of fireflies and wasps,
Dolphins and sharks,
And how light consumes the dark.
I’ll let u have a peek into my little adventures.
But that’s all you’ll ever have of me,
Just a glimpse,
In return for a bucket load of stars from dust of your being.
I’ll listen to your dreams,
And make them mine.
But I’ll live them in my own time.
And not with you,
While you’ll sit on that table,
Dinner for two,
I’ll pack my heart and leave you behind.
You’ll wait as it’ll seem too unjustified,
But I don’t care love,
For I might be the love of your life,
You will never be mine.
My heart goes places,
You will never like,
So stitch up your broken pieces,
As soon as you realize,
I was gone,
The day I came,
I was like that stupid rain.
Turned my back on reality,
Left the road well known,
Walked into forests,
Darkness with its secrets made me feel alone,
Traveling that distance,
Distance to stillness,
When the raging thoughts ruthlessly fought,
To sink in the quiet heart,
The will to withdraw into oneself,
Grew stronger with every new thought,
A beautiful paradox,
A moment of ultimate truth,
Truth about who i am,
And not the world,
Made clearer with every step,
My ego turned porous,
Rage the ultimate binding force,
For a clutter of thoughts,
Combinations of irrelevant little details,
Of what could be and what didn’t,
A blunt presentation of self,
And then I found,
Discovery beyond artifice,
In the silence of heart,
An empowering force,
Finally found the gift of solitude,
What rose from the dark forests of my mind,
And fell with an enlightenment from gray skies,
A path to self- discovery,
My heart no more callous or sour,
Just a little afraid to make the next best move,
But now holding on to a beautiful truth,
The truth of not who i am supposed to be,
But who i am really.
A brief grasp of solitude is all i needed to discover secrets of my being,
All pain now an old melody I used to sing.
I have been here for a while now. One thing i have realized recently is how easy it is to put down your feelings down here and let the world know what you are thinking or on what stage of life you are right now. But what makes it so easy to Post something so personal here while when it comes down to sharing it or confiding it in a friend it gets so hard. Is it the false sense of security that we get while posting here that everyone or most people here are anonymous and others who are known might even consider it just a normal write up and not one’s true feelings.
But still the point is why it has become so easy to express knowing you won’t be found out while showing emotions and sensitivity is so difficult in real world. The reasons i could come up with are:
1) May be the world has become a cruel place where if anyone shows emotions or even a little sensitivity, it is seen as a sign of weakness. People put up strong face just so no one consider them weak and try taking their advantage. Also their fear of being misunderstood stops them from being true to others as well as themselves. They are judged and sometimes even bullied. Everyone today has gone so mad over perfection and one’s outer appearance that one’s thoughts and beauty of mind is often ignored or given less attention than it deserve. Such behavior tend to make those ‘real’ people go fake and a need to be ‘part of the crowd’ forces them to follow the common norm. While doing so they tend to lose their ‘individuality’ and ‘creativity’ and when they finally find a place where they can finally leave out a sigh of relief and put forward what they really believe, it gives them a sense of security and a place to vent out their long hidden emotions and insecurities.
2) We are living in a make believe world and everyone is so busy with their own lives and they have so many problems of their own to deal with that they have little or no time for someone else’s problems or i should rather put it as “someone’s drama.” In such busy life these social platforms give an option to have a quick peek in someone else’s life and the human need to ‘stay connected’ tends to take over the actual connections one have with family and friends.
3) Even when we are depressed we as social beings get attracted to other troubled souls and try to find peace in the knowledge of not being alone. We don’t want any burdens or responsibilities that come with trying to bond with friends or family. We just want someone we can relate to and feel connected while at the same time there is no compulsion to try and interact or carry out any of those so called “social duties.” And blogs and other social networking websites seem to cater to all those social and emotional needs.
But whatever it is we all do it, a hunt for people and place where we feel like ourselves, where our shoulders are not burdened with any of the responsibilities or those well established social norms.
Today I am heading back to that place. The place I hate so much. Home is the place where i want to be. Because it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel wanted. Its comfortable and predictable. But shouldn’t these be the reasons to not stay at home?
To experience the challenge and to live the unexpected. Change is inevitable. No change is bad, its either predictable or not predictable. At the end of day its our own decision to go with the flow or to challenge the inevitable. What’s even more important is to not to be afraid. To stand strong and face whatever life throws our way. Every time i go someplace new i begin hating it. Maybe because i leave a piece of my soul behind. It takes time to finally accept that empty space, a piece missing from a beautiful puzzle. But With time i realize that its not the center piece and i can still make out the picture, though it is never perfect. But why really aim for perfection. Isn’t this imperfection a sign of having survived the change. Home is not a place but a feeling. And until one knows there are people he/she can be themselves with they can be at home. A 2 minute call in a day is enough to know someone out there is waiting for me to return home. And the best part is to know, I am their home and still they are patient, they are patient for me. Although they miss me, they aren’t selfish or greedy. They are ready to wait. For me. And i know everytime i return its always the same. The feeling of belongingness will never go away. And it is this security that helped me to get over the hate. I have to go. Do something with my life. I must take chances and accept challenges. And although i thought things will never go back the way they were, I know gradually i will learn to accept that the walls of the building might wither, the people might age, the habits might change, but one thing that won’t change is this feeling and belief that even if i am lost love will always guide me home.