Nostalgia

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As I walk down these streets,
I feel these withered walls against my fingers,
Nothing has changed except my fingers, they are a little bigger now,
Or the bricks a little smaller.
I stand on the roof of the house,
Taking in the air of my hometown.
People still live in that next house,
Except the girl I played with is no longer here,
His brother too lives in another city now.
Only people left are the ones who are too old to settle themselves in a new place,
Reminiscing their last days here- familiarity their only salvation.
As I unlock the door to my parent’s room,
I remember how those doors were never locked,
Not until my mother passed away last summer.
The bed inside is still the same,
I didn’t let anyone touch it as it was the place i spent my nights in,
Listening to stories I still remember by heart.
The linen although a bit dusty still smells like mother.
As I walk down the stairs, I see my daughter holding her grandfather’s hand,
Complaining about how I scolded her last night.
She grew up too fast for me to really notice,
But I am glad I never missed out on her childhood.
My father’s room down the stairs is empty now.
My mother asked me to clean his things when he passed,
They made her miss him more.
She must have felt lonely in this house.
I excuse myself for washroom before heading out,
To stand in front of its gate and complain to mom about how difficult things have become and how I don’t want to grow up- ever,
It was a habit i took up as a kid,
Not wanting my mother to see my cry I used to stand there while she bathed,
And complain about everything that was wrong.
I turn back to leave again,
Lock every door to every corner of this house,
There are too many memories here.
I am going for now, until I am ready to come back again and live it all.
If not in time, but in my heart.
I miss my Home.

Holidays

Since holidays are going on I decided to renovate my room and as I was doing it a friend told me to consider interior designing or something art related as my profession rather than Economics (that I am currently pursuing) and this made me remember my father’s words
” Take two things you love doing the most. Pick the one you love the most as your hobby and the second one as your profession, for when the days are tuff and your second love becomes difficult, you can always go to your first love and re-energize.”
Here a sneak peek in room!

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P.S. – Any ideas do comment! 🙂

Pain

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What is pain?
Does it look like your worst nightmare,
Or does it have a face full of scars?
Each scar a sign of new heartache.

How does it smell like?
Does it even have an odor?
A scent that always give it away?
To its ghosts of past,
And if it has one,
Does it smell sweet?
One that help one troubled soul locate the other,
Or does it smell really awful?
One that ensures no happy soul ever associate with its host?

Does it have a home?
A place it always return to when no place seems right?
And if it does have one,
Is it welcomed back in that place?
Are there any arms waiting for its return?

Also,
Does it have a work place?
Where it follows the night shifts?
When no one is around,
And one is left alone with their haunting thoughts?

Does it even like its work?
Or does it also despise its boss?
The guilt and sin,
Flowing like poison in one’s veins,
Every shade of black pumped into one simple shade of red.

Does it even know its importance?
Flowing straight from heart,
Through ink to the pen’s tip,
And staining papers with its sins.
Leaving bare one’s darkest secrets for the world to read,
To sympathize,
Associate and feel as humanly as possible,
Bringing together all kindered souls.

Or is it as oblivious as every being on earth?
Comparing the beauty of spring of happiness,
To its dry winter like nature,
Or standing on the weighing machine,
Hoping to be more and more weightless,
Taking less space in body and flesh.

Does it love someone?
The one it will even die for?
Is it possessive?
Not wanting to leave,
Finding new excuses to stay everytime its time to go?

Does it have a language?
Or it believes in no dialogue policy
Always focusing on action,
Oozing out of every cut,
Letting those wounds speak louder than any words.

But whatever it is,
I believe pain is as much in pain,
Wanting to escape its own nature,
And when it does find a way out,
It will run places and explore hearts,
But won’t stay longer in one place to make a person completely fall apart.

P.S.- I am currently not able to come up with anything new. Writer’s block i guess! This piece i wrote long back but been lying in my drafts. I didn’t edit it but I felt I need to post something to feel a little motivated to write more! By the way those who wished me good luck for exams thankyou they went well! Fingers crossed for results!! 😀

On the scale of 10

Exams are close and while everyone is trying to go through as much syllabus as possible I too had some doubts and decided to ring my friend up for the same.
What wasn’t surprising was her stress and worry. Although she studied round the semester she is still not at all confident. Given how the University is famous for its ‘marking scheme’ what caught my attention was her statement ‘If I don’t score this time I’ll be really discouraged!’
I could immediately associate with her as at some point in my life I too had been at her place and have felt the same when I have worked really hard for something but was not able to get the results I expected. When you are working on something the good results work as an encouragement as its often said, “once you see results, it becomes an addiction.”
But while trying to encourage her I too came across a realization.
I realized how easy it is to discourage oneself. One should know their weaknesses but only seeing the weaknesses and letting the good side lose its shine is something we tend to do more often.
I realized how we should sit and tell ourselves “It’s okay you didn’t get those marks, you can work more next time!” And yes sometimes there is no next time but are those exams the only thing in your life?
Yes, exams are an indicator of how well you have understood a topic but given the current education system I believe marks are not and cannot be the real indicator of one’s knowledge. I believe unless you never really tried to learn something and you can’t apply what you have learned, no matter if you can frame a certain answer or not, no matter if you can pull an all nighter before the exam and put your cramming capacity to test, no matter if you have just the right amount of topics covered to fetch you enough marks, its all useless. Those marks are useless. If you really want to learn something you will learn it but if you are not getting marks for it then don’t be discouraged because one day that knowledge will help you out, that last minute study won’t last a lifetime.
So forget those social standards, those so called scales and boxes tying up your imagination. Learn, but not for those marks and degrees and diplomas, but for the sake of learning, for discovering something new. Let your curiosity run wild and I am sure one day even without an A grade degree you’ll pull something off because there will be many with those grades but not many with same knowledge.

P.S. : It is out of context but I have decided from today onwards to not to worry about future and take 24 hours at a time and learn and live them as much as I could! To learn something new everyday and follow the 10% rule. 🙂 Any comments suggestions welcome!

Numb

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I feel nothing,
No sadness,
No joy,
I am numb,
astray,
Losing more of myself  everyday,
Too weak,
Thinking about dying,
Leaving everyone else behind,
Destroying,
Stealing their peace of mind!
And still,
I am afraid,
Of what others might think of me,
When I am gone,
Shredded,
Soul long lost.
I am a coward,
Or just a child,
Made to grow up,
As numbers are right.
Don’t know how long,
I’ll survive,
But I’ll wait and see,
If it’s really worth my while.

Growing up!

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When even little seems too much,
While your world becomes your room,
And your window panes turn dark with dust,
And expectations turn into a burden you carry.
When the walls of your heart crumble hard,
Your pillow your secret dumpyard.
As you slowly start hating your smile,
Falling more for your darker side.
And no one knows the battle you fight,
Just to fall asleep at night.
When your heart is rotting inside,
And
You bleed filth,
Your tongue curls only into swears.
When you have to count your breaths and every next one seems harder than earlier.
The only peaceful times are when you are asleep.
When your thoughts are more death than life,
Your smile no more reach your eyes,
When pain is too much to hide,
And you fear drowning
In your own thoughts,
You disappearing seems like no loss.
Your monsters feeding off your soul,
But you still refuse to give up on life,
That’s when you grow up!

Drowning

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I am not scared that I am not myself,
I am scared that I am,
a little too much,
My thoughts are now
Rusty frames of memories,
And worthless pieces of puzzle,
Lying scattered,
Unarranged, unwanted, unwilling,
Too dark for any amount of white,
To turn them into grey.
I know of my demons,
A little too well.
They are
Too powerful a dancer,
Running all around in my mind,
Giving a performance of a lifetime.
Thoughts too unreasonable to say out loud,
Thank god i am too good at lying,
If only they could find,
What parts of me are real and true,
and what are more refined but a lie.
A warrior i am,
Of darkness and all that is wrong with this world,
From insecurities to lies,
And world of cries,
Come watch me drown,
Every inch of my skin is deep in sorrow,
And remorse,
I am grieving for who i was yesterday,
I don’t have the energy to bear it anymore,
But i will.
That’s how i survive,
If only i could live a little while.
And not just exist.
I hate myself too much to stay alive,
But i love myself enough to not end it yet.
This is when i tell myself i can handle this,
I am strong.
And that’s how it all turns out right,
When i don’t even know what tomorrow might be like,
But then who does?

Mediocrity

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Another college year has come to end. And again I see people around me getting more and more focused and clear about their future, while I somehow feel stuck! Stuck here! Stuck in a place where everyone is running. Running to catch a train. Running to class. Running home. Running towards people. Running away from people. And in my case running away from life. Yes, that’s how I feel. Living in a place with young people all around. So many dreams lingering on streets. Everyone into something. One could easily spot ‘the intellectual types’, ‘the music band people’, ‘the artists with so many colors embracing their body’, and others you can’t easily spot, just some normal people, people you can’t separate easily from the crowd. The not so happening people. May be I am one of them. Eyes on ground. Nothing on my mind. Eyes full of awe for all that is so beautiful around me. So full of passion and dedication. And then back to me, neither a wannabe, nor someone with something to give all my time to. Is their even a category for us? For those who fit nowhere and everywhere? Neither the geek and still not the coolest. A mediocre. Yes, that’s the term used by most people.
But did they ever wonder what comprise of this mediocre group? A foot in both worlds, yet no world they can call their’s. Isn’t it sad how me and other like me often find ourselves questioning our existence? How we are often asked where we belong and yet we have already been categorized, no room left for us to build our own kingdoms? To set our own standards of perfection? When we start studying, we are expected to perform as per the standards of the ‘intellectual’ category, when we decide to create something new, we are often told about how mediocre our talent is and we can’t ever be the best! And when we decide to leave it all and stop striving and working towards a goal, we often hear complaints and remarks about how we used to be such a nice kid but now have deviated from our paths. We have taken the wrong turn and could have done so much with our lives. But i question how? How can we do something when so much is at stake and no matter how much we work towards something it never seems enough? When someone born with a talent or sharp brain always seem to grab the cookie we had our eyes on! And even if we work throughout our lives most of us always seem to make it only to a certain level. Having that mediocre job, medium family, and if we are lucky we might have sharp kids! One can only hope! But is it because life is unfair or the world and people are?
Not everyone have same circumstances and just like no finger on our hand is of same size, no two people can ever be alike. Each of us is different. We all have our weaknesses. And we all are born for a purpose. And until we find it, we need to do away with this act of categorizing people and judging before knowing them on the basis of their marks, their social groups or their interests. Embrace differences. And while you do this don’t feel alone in this world, because you are unique and you need to keep telling yourself this, unless you discover someone who can actually see your speciality and not your mediocrity, you need to do it for yourself. So keep your head high and believe that you too can achieve your dreams. Don’t be afraid of time running out. Take a time out if you need to, listen to your heart and then come back and work tirelessly towards your goals.  Believe in yourself and set your own standards for no one else can define you better than you.

Echo

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I don’t know what to write,
The pen seems like an old friend,
I have been gone too long,
Sulking more and more everyday,
And now when I am back,
I don’t wish to stain papers with my sadness,
I want every drop of ink,
Every word,
Dripping with happiness,
And beauty,
But I find none,
No fairy tales,
No merry songs of the vagabonds,
I got nothing to offer,
Other than my heart,
Pumping the guilt of every sin,
And every black,
Now mixed with red,
Flowing like poison in my veins,
I want to begin again,
But the ghosts of past seem to have fallen in love with my scent,
The scent of every heartache I ever felt,
And while there is still time to add some words,
None to withdraw one.
Whatever I write is too fragile,
Too imperfect like the echo of my thoughts,
My mistakes and my weaknesses,
All secrets are out now,
And I again find myself wishing,
To take it all back,
And never return.

Stuck

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Today again I woke up,
I should be happy for being alive right?

As
Today,
Again I’ll see those kids going to school,
Wearing matching dresses.
I once asked my mother if she knows what they carry in those little backpacks?
She said they are books.
I wonder what they are about though?
Beautiful pictures, poems or stories?

Today,
I’ll wear a pretty dress.
Mother said her children don’t need them anymore,
Thank god that lady’s children grew up so soon!
However, I wonder if I’ll ever know what it felt like to wear them when they were new?
Nice, good or beautiful?

Today,
My father will again point at buildings and tell me how he built them all.
But I don’t know why he lie all the time.
If they were built by him why don’t they all look alike?
I wonder then why aren’t we living under those lights?

Today,
My sister will again miss her dinner.
She says she is not hungry.
But I didn’t see her eat all day.
I wonder if she is fasting to get her wish?

Today,
Again I’ll run around barefoot.
The street is really hot though.
But everyone in my family walks like that.
I wonder if I only am the sensitive one?

Today,
Again I’ll sleep dreaming of a fairyland,
Beautiful and pretty.
Now you wonder why my dreams sound so normal?
Because dreaming is still free.