Relearning Life 

It is not easy,

Relearning 

How to live

Your life

Rewire the soul,

And

Rebuild the

Walls you let fall,

Rewind and unwind

Memories of happy days,

Unique and amazing,

Some extraordinary ways

To carry the world on your 

Shoulders again,

And calm the seas

In your eyes,

To see clearly of all you left behind,

With guilt weighing you down,

It’s not easy 

To remember how strong

You were all along,

Once you been broken down,

And can’t be put together,

To remind every broken piece

of the cosmic reality,

Of the constellations that make up 

The galaxy of your soul. 

It’s not easy 

To unlearn giving up

And be your person,

Kind and beautiful 

And accept yourself

For the person you have become,

Strange, wild and beautiful,

Just missing a little fairy dust,

And to build your own path again,

For once you were,

Someone who would love,

And not run from life 

As it’s not easy 

Once you stop living 

To Relearn to sober up. 
Now on insta- @lantern21ak

Advertisements

Blurry Lines

image

Its just blurry lines
No sense of wrong and right
Everything is a pretense
Just enraged voices in my head,
Remnants of a distant past.
Silenced with lies.

Galaxies are made up truths
A definition of infinite,
Infiltrated with the shadows of life.
Or just another word for the light that flickr,
As your soul burns with limitless effort.

When u don’t have best of life
All u wanna do is hide n die.
Every desire turned to dust
Waiting for time to run its course.
There is nothing more poisonous than remorse.

Damaged by demons we can’t escape
Irreparable wounds rooted in veins.
Random fragments of memories laced with regrets,
Scattered in bloodstream hard to accept. 

The ink splatters in yellow space.
Also trying to find their place.
The greatest beauty wrapped in grey,
Disguised in something unwanted.

Questioning one’s existence,
Faithless in this stride
Choking on your dreams,
Wicked in everyone’s eyes.

But darling wherever you go,
It’ll take a lot of love to hate this life.

To the Infinite

image

Lonely silhouette of your being,
The pixallated view of your most cherished dreams,
Caged walls of your beating heart,
The broken promises of a beautiful start,
Void in your gray soul,
The regret for not making that last call,
Finding your way in a labyrinth,
The warmth of the fire you hold within,
Those darkest secrets you hide behind those eyes,
The rules your existence defies,
Numbness pressed in your bones,
The soul deep fears of different colors and tones,
Tears that taste like feelings and little salt,
The humid summer night’s fault,
Unhinged recklessness from the fabric of your being,
The dust you are of everything selfish and mean,
Smiles and laugh are temporary delusions,
Reality is what kills you, while you survive illusion,
You’ll become one of those,
Those who live with daggers hanging on their heads,
Whose forte are dark room and cold beds,
You’ll always be out of place no matter the site
Because love, you belong to the infinite.

Gone before you came

image

Don’t love me,
I am not here to stay,
One day I’ll disappear,
Like that sunset’s last ray.

My wings have tasted freedom,
I only know how to fly,
Touching the stars,
Breathing in the midnight sky.

I am the bird returning home,
Forgotten to walk,
Broken wings,
Too tired to fly,
So here on the ground I lie.

Let me be on my own,
Don’t try to heal me with the galaxies in your eyes,
I might pay you back with coins of stories,
Of fireflies and wasps,
Dolphins and sharks,
And how light consumes the dark.

I’ll let u have a peek into my little adventures.
But that’s all you’ll ever have of me,
Just a glimpse,
In return for a bucket load of stars from dust of your being.

I’ll listen to your dreams,
And make them mine.
But I’ll live them in my own time.
And not with you,

While you’ll sit on that table,
Dinner for two,
I’ll pack my heart and leave you behind.

You’ll wait as it’ll seem too unjustified,
But I don’t care love,
For I might be the love of your life,
You will never be mine.

My heart goes places,
You will never like,
So stitch up your broken pieces,
As soon as you realize,
I was gone,
The day I came,
I was like that stupid rain.

Nostalgia

image

As I walk down these streets,
I feel these withered walls against my fingers,
Nothing has changed except my fingers, they are a little bigger now,
Or the bricks a little smaller.
I stand on the roof of the house,
Taking in the air of my hometown.
People still live in that next house,
Except the girl I played with is no longer here,
His brother too lives in another city now.
Only people left are the ones who are too old to settle themselves in a new place,
Reminiscing their last days here- familiarity their only salvation.
As I unlock the door to my parent’s room,
I remember how those doors were never locked,
Not until my mother passed away last summer.
The bed inside is still the same,
I didn’t let anyone touch it as it was the place i spent my nights in,
Listening to stories I still remember by heart.
The linen although a bit dusty still smells like mother.
As I walk down the stairs, I see my daughter holding her grandfather’s hand,
Complaining about how I scolded her last night.
She grew up too fast for me to really notice,
But I am glad I never missed out on her childhood.
My father’s room down the stairs is empty now.
My mother asked me to clean his things when he passed,
They made her miss him more.
She must have felt lonely in this house.
I excuse myself for washroom before heading out,
To stand in front of its gate and complain to mom about how difficult things have become and how I don’t want to grow up- ever,
It was a habit i took up as a kid,
Not wanting my mother to see my cry I used to stand there while she bathed,
And complain about everything that was wrong.
I turn back to leave again,
Lock every door to every corner of this house,
There are too many memories here.
I am going for now, until I am ready to come back again and live it all.
If not in time, but in my heart.
I miss my Home.

On the scale of 10

Exams are close and while everyone is trying to go through as much syllabus as possible I too had some doubts and decided to ring my friend up for the same.
What wasn’t surprising was her stress and worry. Although she studied round the semester she is still not at all confident. Given how the University is famous for its ‘marking scheme’ what caught my attention was her statement ‘If I don’t score this time I’ll be really discouraged!’
I could immediately associate with her as at some point in my life I too had been at her place and have felt the same when I have worked really hard for something but was not able to get the results I expected. When you are working on something the good results work as an encouragement as its often said, “once you see results, it becomes an addiction.”
But while trying to encourage her I too came across a realization.
I realized how easy it is to discourage oneself. One should know their weaknesses but only seeing the weaknesses and letting the good side lose its shine is something we tend to do more often.
I realized how we should sit and tell ourselves “It’s okay you didn’t get those marks, you can work more next time!” And yes sometimes there is no next time but are those exams the only thing in your life?
Yes, exams are an indicator of how well you have understood a topic but given the current education system I believe marks are not and cannot be the real indicator of one’s knowledge. I believe unless you never really tried to learn something and you can’t apply what you have learned, no matter if you can frame a certain answer or not, no matter if you can pull an all nighter before the exam and put your cramming capacity to test, no matter if you have just the right amount of topics covered to fetch you enough marks, its all useless. Those marks are useless. If you really want to learn something you will learn it but if you are not getting marks for it then don’t be discouraged because one day that knowledge will help you out, that last minute study won’t last a lifetime.
So forget those social standards, those so called scales and boxes tying up your imagination. Learn, but not for those marks and degrees and diplomas, but for the sake of learning, for discovering something new. Let your curiosity run wild and I am sure one day even without an A grade degree you’ll pull something off because there will be many with those grades but not many with same knowledge.

P.S. : It is out of context but I have decided from today onwards to not to worry about future and take 24 hours at a time and learn and live them as much as I could! To learn something new everyday and follow the 10% rule. ūüôā Any comments suggestions welcome!

Numb

image

I feel nothing,
No sadness,
No joy,
I am numb,
astray,
Losing more of myself  everyday,
Too weak,
Thinking about dying,
Leaving everyone else behind,
Destroying,
Stealing their peace of mind!
And still,
I am afraid,
Of what others might think of me,
When I am gone,
Shredded,
Soul long lost.
I am a coward,
Or just a child,
Made to grow up,
As numbers are right.
Don’t know how long,
I’ll survive,
But I’ll wait and see,
If it’s really worth my while.

Growing up!

image

When even little seems too much,
While your world becomes your room,
And your window panes turn dark with dust,
And expectations turn into a burden you carry.
When the walls of your heart crumble hard,
Your pillow your secret dumpyard.
As you slowly start hating your smile,
Falling more for your darker side.
And no one knows the battle you fight,
Just to fall asleep at night.
When your heart is rotting inside,
And
You bleed filth,
Your tongue curls only into swears.
When you have to count your breaths and every next one seems harder than earlier.
The only peaceful times are when you are asleep.
When your thoughts are more death than life,
Your smile no more reach your eyes,
When pain is too much to hide,
And you fear drowning
In your own thoughts,
You disappearing seems like no loss.
Your monsters feeding off your soul,
But you still refuse to give up on life,
That’s when you grow up!

Drowning

image

I am not scared that I am not myself,
I am scared that I am,
a little too much,
My thoughts are now
Rusty frames of memories,
And worthless pieces of puzzle,
Lying scattered,
Unarranged, unwanted, unwilling,
Too dark for any amount of white,
To turn them into grey.
I know of my demons,
A little too well.
They are
Too powerful a dancer,
Running all around in my mind,
Giving a performance of a lifetime.
Thoughts too unreasonable to say out loud,
Thank god i am too good at lying,
If only they could find,
What parts of me are real and true,
and what are more refined but a lie.
A warrior i am,
Of darkness and all that is wrong with this world,
From insecurities to lies,
And world of cries,
Come watch me drown,
Every inch of my skin is deep in sorrow,
And remorse,
I am grieving for who i was yesterday,
I don’t have the energy to bear it anymore,
But i will.
That’s how i survive,
If only i could live a little while.
And not just exist.
I hate myself too much to stay alive,
But i love myself enough to not end it yet.
This is when i tell myself i can handle this,
I am strong.
And that’s how it all turns out right,
When i don’t even know what tomorrow might be like,
But then who does?

Mediocrity

image

Another college year has come to end. And again I see people around me getting more and more focused and clear about their future, while I somehow feel stuck! Stuck here! Stuck in a place where everyone is running. Running to catch a train. Running to class. Running home. Running towards people. Running away from people. And in my case running away from life. Yes, that’s how I feel. Living in a place with young people all around. So many dreams lingering on streets. Everyone into something. One could easily spot ‘the intellectual types’, ‘the music band people’, ‘the artists with so many colors embracing their body’, and others you can’t easily spot, just some normal people, people you can’t separate easily from the crowd. The not so happening people. May be I am one of them. Eyes on ground. Nothing on my mind. Eyes full of awe for all that is so beautiful around me. So full of passion and dedication. And then back to me, neither a wannabe, nor someone with something to give all my time to. Is their even a category for us? For those who fit nowhere and everywhere? Neither the geek and still not the coolest. A mediocre. Yes, that’s the term used by most people.
But did they ever wonder what comprise of this mediocre group? A foot in both worlds, yet no world they can call their’s. Isn’t it sad how me and other like me often find ourselves questioning our existence? How we are often asked where we belong and yet we have already been categorized, no room left for us to build our own kingdoms? To set our own standards of perfection? When we start studying, we are expected to perform as per the standards of the ‘intellectual’ category, when we decide to create something new, we are often told about how mediocre our talent is and we can’t ever be the best! And when we decide to leave it all and stop striving and working towards a goal, we often hear complaints and remarks about how we used to be such a nice kid but now have deviated from our paths. We have taken the wrong turn and could have done so much with our lives. But i question how? How can we do something when so much is at stake and no matter how much we work towards something it never seems enough? When someone born with a talent or sharp brain always seem to grab the cookie we had our eyes on! And even if we work throughout our lives most of us always seem to make it only to a certain level. Having that mediocre job, medium family, and if we are lucky we might have sharp kids! One can only hope! But is it because life is unfair or the world and people are?
Not everyone have same circumstances and just like no finger on our hand is of same size, no two people can ever be alike. Each of us is different. We all have our weaknesses. And we all are born for a purpose. And until we find it, we need to do away with this act of¬†categorizing people and judging before knowing them on the basis of their marks, their social groups or their interests. Embrace differences. And while you do this don’t feel alone in this world, because you are unique and you need to keep telling yourself this, unless you discover someone who can actually see your speciality and not your mediocrity, you need to do it for yourself. So keep your head high and believe that you too can achieve your dreams. Don’t be afraid of time running out. Take a time out if you need to, listen to your heart and then come back and work tirelessly towards your goals.¬† Believe in yourself and set your own standards for no one else can define you better than you.