So Different in My Head

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Yesterday you asked me how i was?
Like i could be any better than the day before or the day when you decided to move on,
You left, enslaving my soul,
I told you i don’t want love,
Yet you gave it,
Gave it every time,
Until i finally fell,
Fell in that hole you been digging all this while.
You buried my heart in that pit of pain,
Chocking me with your words,
And then as you realized i will be gone forever,
You came back!
You came back to ask me how am i doing?
No you actually wanted to know if it is the time to finally put that stone on my grave where you can put all the good things i was not,
Or may be that was exactly who i was,
But you ruined me,
You ruined me and trapped me into these walls.
Now here i am sitting,
Still thinking of every possibility of how it could have worked,
How it might have been the best thing that happened to me,
But these thoughts infuriates me even more,
I hate myself for still seeking refuge in those arms who enslaved my spirit.
But then again i still don’t hate you!
Coz i love you, I have always loved you.
And may be I won’t ever be able to change this.
I still sit here looking at all those stars in the sky trying to win me over,
But I still adore the moon and I can’t help it.
We all have our secrets and i am still glad mine is you!
I hope one day i can meet you again and genuinely smile and wish u a bright future without wanting to be a part of it.

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Amnesia

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I wish one day i could wake up with amnesia,
Forget it all,
Take that final fall.
To forget the people who left,
And the people who tried.
Waking up every morning with a tear smeared face,
And a forced smile.
Dying to find a way to breathe,
And spending every breath hoping to die.
All those responsibilities left unfulfilled,
Where one’s fate is already sealed.
Dreaming to find a place to belong,
Trying to relate to that old song.
Worrying over what’s been said and what’s been done,
And then frustrated to the limit of caring for none.
Unashamed of showing those scars,
Never having the courage to break those bars.
Living amidst a perfect world,
Lying on bed trying to stop that heartache with legs curled.
Where no mistakes feel at home,
And abiding by rules is the common norm.
Those harsh nights and inside battles,
As the endless darkness settles.
Sitting on the basement floor,
Faking confident while shaking at core.
Hoping to receive one last call from the one i chose,
Still believing in that long lost cause.
All that kindness taken as weakness,
While the rude became the symbol of strength.
Having to build up that world of magic,
Because the real life was too tragic.
Looking for inspiration to the world outside,
While something irrelevant eating up the insides.
Having a warm heart with a smart brain,
But still disintegrated from all that pain.
Trusting some and then left to bleed, Planting that negative seed.
Weaving those baseless dream’s blaket to warm my heart,
Having  known its all useless from the start.
I  really wish i could forget it all,
But i guess you can only make a fresh start,
by accepting the past,
What’s gone is gone,
And you can only learn and move on.

My kind of love

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Am i capable of being loved?
I asked myself walking down the street.
Even if i am how would it really be?
Will it be magical or just plain routine?
Or may be a mysterious path no one has ever seen?
But many have walked down this road, so was it same for everybody?
Or was it any different for people like me?
But ain’t i loved already, i thought momentarily.
And i finally managed to make a list,
That was just a little bigger than my fist.
I wrote the names of everyone who cared for me, their words and actions became the key.
Yes i am loved,
By my father whose eyes still see,
His little girl, that i will always be.
Or by my mother who have a weak heart ,
but for me her strength is off the charts
And then my brother who will never leave my side,
like a shadow who always stood beside.
Also my friends, not hundreds or thousands,
but i can still recall one or two or even three,
for he might not always be free.
But when darkness spreads its wings, he is always there with a sword of light,
To make it surrender on its limbs.
And then that stranger i dont see often,
But whenever we have an eye contact my features soften.
And then the trees and air so cold,
that always encourages me to be bold.
Filling my lungs with an energy so strange,
It feeds the storm trapped inside my ribcage.
Love is also in that flower that withstood a stormy night,
Inspiring me to stand strong no matter the time.
I see love in everything that inspires me, encourages me to grow,
That fill the place in my heart that i thought was meant to be hollow.
Who is happy when i finally manage to achieve my goal,
Who pushes me to be my own person, With my own unique mind and soul.

The Jar of my life

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Sometimes I wish I could put all my thoughts in a jar,
And see why i was given this ‘life’ named opportunity,
So I pictured what it might like be.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be all red because that is the color I adore,
The redness of one’s eyes who had a heartfelt cry,
Or the red seeping through viens of that suicidal child,
The red sky marking both beginning and end,
Or the red symbolizing love of a lover or a friend.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of maps of the places I want to see,
Photos of the journeys i made mentally,
Or the nights I spent away from home,
Some sweet some melancholy.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of plans and opportunities i never ceased,
Targets i hit and targets i missed,
Or those views i held about future,
Or the uncertainty sometimes unnerving sometime torture.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of memories,
The memories now part of the fabric of my being,
Which made my eyes cry and heart sing.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of portraits of people important to me,
My mother’s smiling eyes,
Father’s arms waiting for me.
Brother more closer than a shadow,
His love selfless and vast than any meadow.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of darkness,
The thoughts that haunt me,
Or that wavering happiness,
Reflecting that wavering soul,
Or those shards of broken heart,
Waiting to be reassembled for a fresh start.

If I put all my thoughts in a jar,
Will it be full of sheets of paper,
Listing all my deeds,
Those soulful smiles from my planted seeds.
Or will there be sorrows that i reaped.

And now when i have finally put them in a jar,
I found all the reasons i give myself for not wanting to live,
But those are just plain excuses for something that wasn’t meant to be,
Because i won’t have got this life if it was never meant for me.